Friday, June 27, 2014

Irony Deficiency

Readers- I'm actually not kidding; I was getting ready to create today's post (and considering making the topic the computer crashes at the IRS and now the EPA) when my own computer went kaflooey and gifted me with the "white screen of death" - which would actually be a pretty good new name for the Washington Redskins.

Unlike Lois Lerner, I have everything backed up and I have incentive to fix my computer. And actually I'm making progress already, but it's going to be a long process and pretty effectively nukes my limited time window to create a real cartoon and commentary today.

And dang it, there was plenty to talk about. Not just suspicious hard drive crashes, but the SCOTUS telling the POTUS that his use of recess appointment power is a POS. In economic news, the GDP is suddenly shriveling like a salted slug. And of course there's talk about the House of Representatives filing a lawsuit against Barack Obama for blatant usurpation of their Constitutional powers and, in general, being a huge douche nozzle.

But can I feast on all this red meat? NooOOoooo - I've got to spend hours verifying disk permissions and doing PRAM reboots and SMU resets and fighting kernel panics and re-routing power to my flux capacitor. All of which would be darn hard even if I was cold sober, which I certainly don't plan to be.


Many hours (and much of a box of sleazy chardonnay) later, the computer seems to be running again - though I'm suspicious that it may be trying to lure me into a false sense of security. For now, I'll keep my guard up.

But just to test things out, I put together the hard-hitting topical graphic below. See? It wasn't a complete waste of time for you to visit today!

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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Clueless Joe

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Hard on the heels of Hillary Clinton claiming to be "dead broke" after leaving the White House, Joe Biden has announced that he has neither a savings account nor any investments to provide for his own needs after leaving office.

It's unclear whether he will have to engage in demeaning hourly labor like Hillary (although $200,000 an hour for giving speeches isn't bad) or if he will perhaps receive a multi-million dollar advance for authoring a memoir of his non-accomplishments in office. ("Biden My Time").

It's something of a mystery why Joe Biden is against putting money in banks ("I heard they keep sperm in 'em," he might whisper with a suspiciously cocked eyebrow). However, his dislike of the stock market was well documented when he announced during his re-election campaign that Wall Street wants to put black people "back in chains." Even the ones who are clean and articulate.

Still, the penniless Biden is unworried about his eventual retirement, saying that he has a "great pension." But one would assume that the Clintons got an even better pension, and those poor bastards claim to be sleeping under bridges and living off of rainwater and bread crusts.

Maybe that's why Joe Biden is forced to cobble together odd little dabs of money here and there, like the $100,000 he's charging Secret Service Agents to rent space at his Delaware property in order to protect him. (Side note: wouldn't it be cheaper for taxpayers if Uncle Joe would just take his own advice and fire a shotgun into the sky when feeling threatened?)

But Hope n' Change isn't too concerned about Joe Biden's financial future. As has been the case for over 40 years, he'll continue to have pocket money as long as there are taxpayers with pockets.

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Hard Choices: Ripple or Thunderbird?

Monday, June 23, 2014

Loathe At First Sight

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Although the publisher of Hillary Clinton's book (which already dropped out of the Top Ten list on Amazon) claims that people just aren't buying books the way they used to, Hope n' Change is confidently predicting bestseller status for journalist Edward Klein's explosive new tell-all "Blood Feud: The Clintons vs. The Obamas."

As you can guess from the title, the two political families absolutely despise each other behind closed doors - and we have to admit that our hearts actually warmed to Bill Clinton just a bit upon hearing his quote: "I hate that man, Obama, more than any man I've ever met. More than any man who ever lived." (Follow the link - trust us, you'll love it.)

The book also details in highly plausible fashion what happened on the night of Benghazi. Hillary (who is called "Hildebeest" by Barry and Michelle) called the president while the attack was still in progress and told him straight out that it was a coordinated act of terror. According to Klein's book, Obama then told Hillary to put out a State Department release blaming a YouTube video for a "spontaneous demonstration."

Hillary protested, saying that the story wasn't credible and it ignored the rather screamingly obvious fact that the attack occurred on the freaking anniversary of 9/11...but in the end, Hillary put her principles aside (much like a crack whore having a "buy one, get one free" sale) and agreed to the "no terror" coverup to protect Barry's reelection chances and prepare her own run for the White House.

Hope n' Change doesn't know with certainty how accurate Klein's book is (though his previous bestseller about Obama, "The Amateur," was on the nose) but we know that we're buying it - if only for the joy of knowing that its rise up the bestseller charts will piss off two entirely despicable families.

BONUS: Imagine If You Will...
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(Hat tip to David in SoCal for the idea!)
Last week, Jay Carney made his final press briefing and was then carried from the White House press room on a stretcher so he could go to the hospital for ass-replacement surgery, his previous one having been lied off.

Although he's being replaced by the oxymoronically named "Josh Earnest," Hope n' Change really wishes that Rod Serling could have taken the job. At least then, the entirely unbelievable stories coming out of the White House might have occasionally been entertaining or contained an unpredictable twist - rather than the soul-killing, entirely predictable lies and deceptions foisted off by Carney from "The Transparency Zone."

Don't let the screen door hit you on the way out, Jay. And start smoking. Heavily.