Friday, May 8, 2015

The M-word

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Rather than dwell on the unpleasantness of current news, Hope n' Change would like to take this opportunity to reflect on Mother's Day (the most sacred of all Hallmark holidays). And who better exemplifies all things maternal than Hillary Clinton?

Sure, she once denigrated women who do things like staying home and baking cookies for their families. And she humiliated her young daughter during the White House years by dragging her around as a prop to pose with her cheating, DNA-spewing dog of a husband. And she underpays her female staffers who may themselves be moms.

But Hillary has a soft, sentimental motherly side, too! 

Although you'll just have to take her word for it since - by her own proud declaration - she decided to erase every email and computer document related to her daughter's wedding, the birth of her first grandchild, and her own mother's final months of life and memorial service.

Come to think of it, Hillary doesn't exemplify anything good about Mother's Day. But maybe our current first lady does...

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Then again, maybe not.

Still, Hope n' Change thinks the world of most mothers and wishes them all the best this Sunday.  And while their love and lessons last forever, sadly, our mothers themselves are here for all too short a time. Be sure to hug 'em if you got 'em.

BONUS: One Bad Mutha (from the HnC vault)

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Happy Martyr's Day

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In response to a contest to "draw Muhammad" in Garland, Texas, two Islamic "soldiers of the caliphate" ended up drawing flies after a brief shootout with security personnel who were not French.

The heavily-armed morons managed to wound one officer (not seriously, thankfully) before being shot dead without even getting a chance to shout "Aloha Snackbar" or post a final revolutionary tweet.

ISIS quickly claimed "credit" for their warriors' hilariously quick transformation into Lone Star roadkill, and promised that further such attacks on American soil would be occurring just as soon as they could find new stooges and a target anywhere except Texas.


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Following revelations that the non-profit, tax-free Clinton Foundation only spends about 10% of its huge and quite possibly illegal donations on actually helping the sick and poor, a raspy-voiced Bill Clinton declared, "I don’t think there’s anything sinister in trying to get wealthy people in countries that are seriously involved in development to spend their money wisely in a way that helps poor people and lifts them up."

Of course, the "poor people" in question were apparently the "dead broke" Clintons, since only a thin trickle of funds actually makes it to those who are starving and disease-ridden. The rest is spent by the Clinton Foundation on offices, salaries, luxury travel and accommodations, gifts, perks and benefits, email demolition experts, and probably hookers.

"There is no doubt in my mind that we have never done anything knowingly inappropriate in terms of taking money to influence any kind of American government policy," the seemingly syphilitic, impeached ex-president said in an interview on NBC's "Today" show. "That just hasn't happened."

 But let's parse what Bill just did (or didn't) say...

"There is no doubt in my mind" = All that follows is just my personal opinion, not a statement of fact.

"that we"
= All that follows depends on the definition of "we." The entire Clinton Foundation acting unanimously? Bill and Hillary acting in tandem? Bill and whomever else he was thinking about while speaking?

"have never done anything knowingly inappropriate"
= Although they may have avoided "knowing" by having their accounting team handle it. Or they avoided "knowing" by not looking at the governing laws. Meanwhile, "inappropriate" does not exclude actions which were "illegal" or "prohibited" - it's simply a subjective opinion about what Bill and Hillary believed to be appropriate.

"in terms of taking money" = They might have taken stocks, bonds, gold, property, or other items of inconceivable value - but not money per se.

"to influence"
= Of course, it's not "influence" if you simply deliver what the buyer wanted. The Clintons might have taken the money from foreign players "to change," "to cancel," "to re-evaluate," "to ignore," or "to rewrite" policy.

"any kind"
= If the payoff was to influence policy of a specific kind, it wasn't just any kind.

"of American government policy" = And what, specifically, is "American government policy?" Rules drawn up by the president? Congress? The Secretary of State herself? Current policy? Past policy?  Moreover, the accusation is that the donations may have been intended to buy future access to the Clintons, to deal with situations which are not yet "American government policies."

"That just hasn't happened"
= If the word "just" is understood to mean "just now, this instant," everything Bill has just denied may have been happening for years, but not in the 10 seconds prior to his making this statement. Additionally, "happened" could be defined as events which occurred without intent or direction - meaning if the Clintons did every vile trick they're accused of with full intent, none of it "just happened."

In other words, the Clintons can tell the technical truth all day long and still be the biggest liars on the planet. So rather than listen to Bill's words, we're once again paying attention to the finger he's angrily wagging at us.

Last time, it smelled like Monica. This time, it smells like it's been in the cookie jar.

Whenever the Clintons speak, the truth is in Jeopardy.

Monday, May 4, 2015

How Waffle!

Have you read today's news? How waffle!
Here in the Jarlsberg household, we enjoyed a lovely visit from our daughter this weekend and we've decided not to screw up our good mood by doing a cartoon and commentary today.

Seriously, cops in Baltimore are facing a lynch mob (quite possibly a Loretta Lynch mob), Christians are being murdered by ISIS, Iran is already cheating on Barry's "by all means, have some nuclear weapons" agreement, and more. If we try to make comedy out of all that, we'll end up with our funny bone in a sling.

Oh sure, there are a few lighthearted news items we could have addressed. For instance, Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day - but the thought of Michelle showing off her yams while adding night soil to the White House garden ruined the whole concept for us.

Still, as long as you're here, and to cleanse that last mental image from your mind, here's the Lefty Lucy cartoon we linked to on Friday. It pretty much sums up how progressives are looking at the whole Baltimore fiasco...
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Just like every other political issue.