Friday, November 6, 2015

Sonny with a Chance of Showers

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Maybe so, but we doubt that he's 99 and 99/100ths percent pure.
Quietly weeping mourners braved dark clouds and chill winds yesterday to attend the graveside services for Common Sense, which finally passed away this week after a long, painful, and ultimately hopeless battle with Liberalism.

The final blow was thought to be the Department of Education's ruling that a transgendered student who self-identifies as female but was born male, and still has male genitalia, must be allowed to shower with the girls on the school soccer team.

To the school's credit, they had previously done everything possible to accommodate "the girl with something extra," including providing a privacy curtain for shower time. But that still wasn't acceptable to the student - who is apparently either an asshole or a bitch, depending on whether you believe gender is genetic or simply a choice.

Which is why the Department of Education conducted a taxpayer-funded two-year investigation into what should be done (and the Dems are whining about the length of the Benghazi hearings?!) before determining that the student was being discriminated against "on the basis of sex." Because, no doubt, they didn't want to say "on the basis of having a skin flute."

"All students deserve the opportunity to participate equally in school programs and activities - this is a basic civil right," said Assistant US Secretary Catherine Lhamon, adding "including showering with nubile young athletic women, their skin delightfully flushed from their exertions, and watching the sinuous streams of water course sensuously over their firm young breasts before racing down, down, down to disappear into the heady tangled forests surrounding their teammates' forbidden love grottos."

Okay, she didn't say that last part word for word, but we're pretty sure it was implied.

Hope n' Change isn't against reasonable accomodation of transgendered people, but that word "reasonable" needs to be emphasized. With a Louisville Slugger, if necessary. Which should also be the case when dealing with other ludicrously clear cases in which "self-identifying" doesn't make something true. And we don't just mean Rachel Dolezal's "blackness," Elizabeth Warren's claim to be "Native American," Ahmed's timed detonator that identifies as a "clock," or B. Hussein's transparently ridiculous assertion that he self-identifies as a Christian.

For instance, a 12 year old who "identifies" as an adult shouldn't get to buy booze. A 25 year old who "identifies" as a senior citizen shouldn't be able to collect Social Security payments.  An 11 year old girl who "identifies" as a grown woman shouldn't be able to be a consensual sex partner for a pederast. Yet in our society, it seems increasingly likely that any and all of these things could come to pass.

If Common Sense was still with us, we think it would present us with an elegantly simple solution to the problems above: the requirement of a "No Dicks" sign outside girls shower rooms, and perhaps an identical one to tell the dicks in Washington to start solving problems instead of inventing them.

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Don't look directly at his gun, Barry. That would be insensitive.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Going to Health in a Handbasket

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There's no real commentary here today, owing to the fact that we're still up to our eyeballs trying to find a replacement health insurance policy for the one which was "discontinued" without warning because of the Affordable Care Act.

Currently, the leading contender - and the only one which will let us "keep your doctors" (in the words of president lying scumweasel) - will cost us $425 a week. Which is, just doing the math quickly in our heads, $425 a week more than we earn doing Hope n' Change.

Or we could save a few bucks and pay only the trifling sum of $300 a week...and not have access to any of our current doctors or, quite feasibly, any other medical provider who speaks English or has a practice devoted exclusively to bipeds.

In reviewing our future treatment options in case of actual illness, we're now considering exciting new innovations like "meeting doctors in back alleys and paying cash" and "hopefully quick and painless suicide," which we'd call unintended consequences of Obamacare if it weren't for the fact that they're totally intended.

Sorry not to have anything more newsworthy, but we've genuinely got to find SOME policy soon and the clock is ticking. At least, that creepy Muslim kid said that it's a clock...

 BUT ON A RELATED NOTE (and to fill a little space...)

Just in case laughter is the best medicine (or, quite likely, the only medicine we'll all be able to afford in the near future), we'd like to remind you to read our non-political M-W-F webcomic: Johnny Optimism.

Set in a children's hospital, Johnny Optimism tells the heartwarming story of a boy and his dog. Well, a boy and his dog and lots of incurable illnesses and a wide variety of human oddities and raging sociopaths. But through it all, Johnny always keeps a smile on his face (and hopefully yours) by remembering that no matter how bad things seem today, they could always get worse.

Because they do get worse, time after time.

Yes, the government has an insurance billing code for that.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Spring Forward, Fall On Your Face

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In Stanley Kubrick's classic "Dr. Strangelove," the world is plunged into nuclear war owing to General Jack D. Ripper's obsession with protecting our nation's "precious bodily fluids.

Frankly, Hope n' Change thinks that General Ripper, while well-intended, was completely missing the more serious threat. Specifically, the threat to our nation's "precious bodily biorhythms" owing to the pernicious Daylight Saving Time conspiracy.

Seriously, the government just declares a reversal of time and expects us to suck it up without confusion, nausea, and disrupted sleep patterns? Granted, this hits us harder at Hope n' Change than it does many others owing to the fact that we suffer from "dyscloxia" which prevents us from reading the face of a clock after the time change and having any idea whatsoever what time it really is.

We're not kidding. We're writing this at 1:22 pm and can honestly tell you that we are clueless about whether it should actually be 12:22 or 2:22. But we know with absolute certainty that it's only an evil and all-powerful government claiming (preposterously) that it's 1:22 and we're not buying it.

We fail to see any upside to Daylight Saving Time whatsoever, with the slight exception that since the government has declared time to be malleable, we can pretty much declare it to be "happy hour" whenever we like.


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Yes, the healthcare insurance marketplace has reopened, giving Americans (like us!) who have been thrown off the Obamacare plans we got last year the opportunity to look at the newer, more expensive, more limited plans being offered to us at government gunpoint.

We'd like to say more, but somewhere it's happy hour!